Extra, Extra! Anime Fox-Girl Meets Sith Lords In Wrong Fandom!

Hoo boy, have we got one here. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a troll, but it deserves to die regardless; it's a vicious little thing. Presenting...

Story Or Series Title: Kitsune chan
Fandom: Rupert Grint
Culprit Author's Name: Scream4me (I'm sure we will)
Full Name (plus titles if any): Kitsune Feiku Kuro-Shon
Suewarts House: Sparklypoo
Full Species(es): "She’s half-kitsune!"
Hair Color (include adjectives): "pink hair down to her knees with black streaks"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "gold eyes that glittered in the light". They turn red when she's angry.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: "a pair of white fox ears and three fox tails appeared"; "perfectly white teeth that had sharp fangs"
Special Possessions (if any): None yet, thank God.
Annoying Origin: Japan.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Ron's girlfriend, Snape's niece
Annoying Special Abilities: You mean, besides the moodring eyes and ability to grow a tail at will? Er... she can do magic outside school, legally. She's 14. The magic is a speshul kind, and thus far extends to mimicking love potions and straightening Hermione's hair. Oh, and an aura.
Other Annoying Traits: Speaks mostly Japanese; author provides no translation. Revan has taken the liberty of, er, 'translating' instead. And we use that word in its loosest sense. Also, author's notes throughout the text.


Malak: We're back here again?

Revan: I'm afraid so.

Malak: Why are we back here again?

Revan: Apparently we were somewhat amusing last time.

Malak: And as a reward for this, we get to do it again.

Revan: Yep.

Malak: *groans miserably* All right. Bring on the torture.

Disclamer thingie: Harry Potter belongs to J/K J/K Rowling !

Revan: If you write J/K like that online, doesn't it mean 'just kidding'?

Malak: Yep. Harry Potter belongs to Just Kidding Just Kidding Rowling. Wow, her parents must have hated her.

A/N: OKOK! I luv Ronnikins sooo much!

Revan: Have I ever mentioned just how much fangirls scare me?

BUT NOBODY EVER DOES GOOD FICS FOR HIM! THAT MAKES ME SAD:(

Malak: Put the capslock down, and step away from your shift key. We have the place surrounded!

Revan: No we don't.

Malak: Sssh! The Sue doesn't know that!

OK so Im gonna make a fic for him!

Revan: Please don't. Please, Force, don't.

AND THIS IS HOW I THINK HARRY POTTER SHULD GO!

Malak: And this is why we are all so pleased that Ms. Rowling is writing. Chest-monsters and all.

-olllo-

Malak: Olllo?

Revan: No idea. 'Hollow'?

Malak: Why would the word 'hollow' be mispelled and centred after the author's note?

Revan: Mm, true. Maybe it's 'Hello'.

Malak: Oh. *waves at the fic* Hello. Now die.

“Have you seen Ron?” Asked Hermoine.

Revan: Small 'a' for asked, thanks very much.

Harry shook his head for no “I Haven’t seen or herd from him all holidays!”

Revan (Hermione): You haven't contacted your best friend once in nearly three months?! Weren't you worried about him? Or even just desperate for a friendly letter?

Malak (Harry): Of course not! I am an uncaring arrogant schutta who has fame and fortune and cares not one whit for my less-fortunate friends! Besides, I thought he was with you. You know, doing... stuff.

Revan (Hermione): Oh. no, he wasn't. He did send me this field of cows, though. D'you think he was trying to tell me something?

Malak (Harry): I don't know. I haven't herd from him. Unlike you...

“Look! Look! It’s the hot guy from the mag!” Screamed a girl nearby to them.

Revan: Ow. Force, I hate fangirls.

Malak: Ron? Okay, I can see how Rupert Grint might be deemed good-looking, but I always thought Ron was a bit... ordinary. Much like the other two. Because the whole point is that they're normal kids.

Hermoine and Harry got fattened as a big group of girls

Malak: Force-fed them McDonald's for ten weeks, while refusing to allow them any exercise whatsoever.

ran over them to a tall boy.

Malak: Eh?

Revan: *rereads several times* Oh. FLATTENED. Not fattened.

He had long orange spicy hair done up in a ponytail

Revan: Which his mother disapproved of greatly, and which also happened to be against Hogwarts' dress code -

Malak: Which part? The ponytail, or the spiced oranges in amongst his hair?

and brilliant blue eyes. He had a lean and muscular bulk (AN: MINE!)).

Revan: He had the Suethor's lean and muscular bulk?

Malak: That conjures up mental images that I really didn't want. But, uh... if he's lean, how can he be bulky? Unless he's my sort of size, but last time I checked Ron Weasley wasn't seven feet tall.

Revan: Dunno. Don't much care, either, since Ron doesn't have either. Or the muscular bit. The only thing to be thankful for is that she didn't actually say 'Quidditch-toned muscles'.

All the girls drooled as they surrounded him and asking for his autograph.

Malak: Okay, so... Ron has become randomly famous, and didn't tell his friends?

Revan: And they didn't find out from other sources, whereas it seems every other teenage witch in Diagon Alley knows of him now.

Malak: It doesn't make sense. You know Ron would at least tell Harry; if only for someone to moan about the press with.

“Gomen nasai Gomen!” said the guy

Malak: Translation, Miss Linguist?

Revan: "Stop drooling on me! I'm soaked through, and Mum'll kill me if these new clothes come home wrecked!"

“There’s enough Ron for you all!”

Revan: Oh, Force. Stud!Ron. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Malak: Hm... might be somewhat IC, though. At least for the first few weeks, before the excitement wears off.

“Iiya! There is not! Yokeinaosewa!”

Malak: I can see I'm going to spend half this fic asking you for translations.

Revan: "The main characters are here! Better leech onto them fast - I'm such an obvious Sue that it's my only hope of survival!"

said a really petty girl

Revan: This is her Big See-I'm-Not-A-Sue Flaw, I take it?

Malak: Actually, I think it's a mispelling of 'pretty'.

Revan: Damn. Oh, well - she is petty, if she won't even allow her boyfriend to sign a couple of autographs after she made him famous.

next to him at the crowd. She had pink hair down to her knees with black streaks

Malak: Ouch. Black streaks on her knees. I wonder what caused them?

Revan: Maybe someone attacked her with a Magic Marker.

and gold eyes that glittered in the light

Malak: Sparklypoo?

Revan: Has to be.

(AN: Isn’t she just adorabale!).

Revan: No. She is an offense against Nature. And did nobody ever tell you that commenting on your own work is in exceedingly bad taste?

She wore a black hanfu

Malak: *sighs*

Revan: G-string.

with gold edges and a white fox embroidery on the side. “He is my Ron-sama, desu ka?”

Malak: I'll desu your ka in a minute, my girl.

Revan: "He is my Pod-Ron, will you enter into this travesty willingly?"

[SNIP Ron offends the fangirls by hugging his girlfriend, and Harry and Hermione ask who the Sue is.]

“This is Kitsune Feiku Kuro-Shon,”

Malak: Is that a name, or a random phrase?

Revan: Both. It means 'The Sueish One'.

replied Ron hugging the pink haired girl again. “She’s my girlfriend!

Revan (Hermione): But - but I thought -

Malak (Ron): Don't be stupid. You are ugly, and therefore can never be loved by anyone!

Revan (Hermione): *mutters about teaspoons*

I met her when I went to Japan!”

Revan: Because Ron's family are wealthy enough to pay to send him to Japan on holiday. Yeah.

Malak: Interesting how this was never mentioned in the books.

“Ohayo gozaimasu!

Revan: "I am Speshul Sue with uncanonical power!"

I used my magic on Ron-sama!”

Malak: To get him to be her boyfriend?

Revan: Apparently. Merope Gaunt's warning means nothing to this Sue.

Malak: Well, then may she give birth to a psychopath and die in childbirth. It'd serve her right.

The girl smiled with perfectly white teeth that had sharp fangs

Malak: Vampire!Sue?

Revan: In Sparklypoo?

Malak: Point. Maybe that's how she feeds - you know, bites their neck and sucks out their free will and depth of character. I've always wondered how Sues feed... this seems as good a method as any.

“Ah, you must be Hairry-san

Revan: Ah, you must be a hairy Yeti -

and Haimorne-san!

Revan: And the rare Harmonica-Playing Yeti!

Ron-sama

Revan: Pod-Ron -

told me allot about you!

Malak: Told me you were thinking of getting an allotment?

Revan: You're catching on.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!”

Revan: Come here and let me convert you to Pod People too!

[SNIP Ron corrects the Sue's pronunciation]

Harry and Hermoine smiled. “Its okay!” Said Harry “You must still be learning to speek english”

Malak:As is Harry, apparently. Speek? Speek?!

Revan: I've just noticed that she's consistently spelling 'Hermione' wrong. Gah!

“Hai, watashi wa furekomu ikichigaidesu! I am!” Kitsune grinned.

Revan: "Hey, you didn't answer my question! I will make you Pod-People, whether you wish it or not!"

Hermoine looked confused. “Kitsune how old are you?”

Malak: Tck. Hermione of all people should know that you never ask a female her age. Not even a Sue-female.

“How... old... ah! I am 14!” she counted her fingers and nodded.

Malak: And Ron's what, seventeen going on eighteen? That's quite a gap.

Revan: Sues usually go for older men. Hence all the Snape-rape.

Malak: Oo-er.

Revan: Oh, don't worry. You barely even have a fanclub.

Malak: *sulks*

“But you said you used magic on Ron” replied Hermoine. “If you’re 14 then you shouldn’t be able to use it outside of school!”

Malak: This is what she's most worried about? The Sue has magically tricked Ron into falling in luv with her... and Hermione's worried about whether or not it's legal for her to do magic. Never mind that love potions and spells are illegal in themselves! Even for Hermione, that's unrealistic.

Revan: Unfortunately, I think 'realism' left in a huff the moment the pink hair showed up.

“Kitsune-chan isnt a full witch, Hermoine!”

Malak: No shit, that's why she's not allowed to do magic outside of school.

Ron said “She’s half-kitsune!”

Revan: Half-what?

Malak: Half of her name. What does 'Kitsune' mean, anyway?

Revan: Hm? Oh, walrus.

Malak: Huh. Guess that explains the tusklike teeth.

“I don’t get it” said Hermoine.

Revan: I feel sorry for Hermoine. She just can't measure up to Hermione, no matter how hard she tries.

“Kitsune-chan can you show them?” asked Ron.

Revan: Show us what?

Malak: Bad mental image.

The girl smiled. “Hai! Abunai!”

Malak: 'Abunai'?

Revan: 'Canon rape.'

Golden petals floated around her for a moment

Malak: Her father locked her in a tower to prevent this from happening, but all-seeing Zeus came to Danae in a shower of golden rain, and she conceived by him...

Revan: You mean she's... *gulp* ...breeding?

Malak: I hope not, but it looks as though it might be likely.

as a pair of white fox ears and three fox tails appeared

Revan: Appeared? Out of nowhere?

Malak: And apparently not attached to anything. So the Walrus-Sue has the speshul ability to summon disembodied ears and tails.

Revan: *hopefully* Maybe she splinched.

Malak: Nah, Sues never splinch.

(AN: Wheee!).

Revan/Malak: SHUT UP!

Everyone gasped.

Revan: As one?

Malak: Including Kitsune? If she surprised herself, maybe she did splinch.

Revan: We can hope.

“See?” asked Ron “Her magic is different from ours”

Revan: Yeah, hers puts the 'sparkly' in 'Sparklypoo'.

“Suki desu ka?” asked Kitsune

Revan: "Do you see now the awesome power of my Sueness?"

her tails wagging

Malak: She's a dog, is she? Well then. Sit, Sue. Roll over, Sue. Play dead, Sue - no, more dead - let me help you to be really dead... that's better. Much better.

(AN: Tails are so cute!).

Revan: If she doesn't shut up, I'm going to hunt her down and surgically graft one onto her. Without anaesthetic.

“She asked if you like it” Ron informed his friends quietly

Malak: Eh? I thought she said... Revan. You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?

Revan: Um... oh, fine, yes. I don't have a clue what she's saying either. But neither should Ron!

Malak: Meh, fair point. But if you're just making it up, I want in.

Revan: Aw... okay.

“That’s very cool!” said Harry.

“Yeah!” agreed Hermoine.

Kitsune clapped her hands happily “Thank you very much!”

Revan: I notice that she understands some English perfectly well.

[SNIP random fangirl asking Ron for his autograph.]

-olllo-

Malak: Hello, badfic!

Revan: Please stop talking to the fic. I'm beginning to worry.

On the train Kitsune was suddenly pushed from behind. She turned around and saw a boy with blonde hair and cold eyes. He made a rude remarked before he laughed at her with his groupies.

Revan: Ah, the Obligatory Malfoy Encounter. One free with every train ride!

Malak: 'He made a rude remark. His groupies laughed.' That's it? I don't think this Suethor's even trying any more.

Kitsune felt angry. Her eyes turned red.

Malak: I feel angry, too. Very angry.

Revan: D'you think this scene could possibly get any more simplistic?

“Noroi kuusouno jutsu!” She yelled,

Revan: "That's it! I'm turning every one of you into a Pod Person, right now!"

Malak: "Put the fish in the bag and leave it under the sky at midnight!"

Revan: ...

Malak: What?

glowing with a red aura.

Malak: Oh, Force. Auras, too. Add that one to the list.

Revan: *does so*

She sent a ball of crackling black energy at him plowing him into the floor

Malak: Then she sowed seeds in him, and when autumn came she reaped what she had sown, and was carted off back to the Department for the Prevention of Canon-Rape, where she was ritually executed.

Revan: Meanwhile, the ball of energy and Draco became quite good friends, and often reminisced about the lucky coincidence. Harry and Ron just assumed that Draco liked balls - but what did they know?

(AN: Kyah! Go Kitsune!).

Revan: Oh, that does it.

Malak: Uh-oh.

Revan: Suethor? Kindly refrain from trying to tell your readers what to think. And for frack's sake, stop BREAKING THE FLOW OF THE STORY TO DISPENSE WHOLLY USELESS INFORMATION!

Malak: Poor, abused CAPSLOCK OF DOOM...

The boysfriends looked scared.

Malak: The boyfriends? Hers, Draco's, whose?

Revan: Well, Ron is a Pod-Person now, so it won't be him. Must be Draco's boyfriends.

Malak: Menage a trois with Crabbe and Goyle. The mental images just get worse.

“Noroi kuusou no jutsu! Noroi kuusou no jutsu!”

Malak: A fool and his sweetcorn are soon farkled! Many a pepperjack cheese macks a Duesbee!"

Revan: Man is by nature a flawed creature! Thus, Sues!

Malak: I prefer mine.

Revan: Yours makes no sense.

Malak: Pfft. Literalist.

Kitsune yelled again whacking the other two boys over.

Malak: Ooh, kinky.

“Kitsune-chan, are you okay!” Yelled Ron, running up the corridor.

Revan: No, she's not. She's all wrong, Pod-Ron, and it's such a shame that you can't see that...

“RON-SAMA!” Kitsune cried and clang

Malak: Went the bell, telling them that this round had ended.

to Rons shirt. “They were mean!”

Revan (Sue): "Won-Won, they're all being mean to me!"

Malak (Logic): But all he did was to push you and say a few rude words, and you knocked out both him and his two friends. You're the bully here, not them.

Revan (Sue): WAAAAAH! Logic's being mean to me! Die, Logic!

Kitsune’s boyfriend hugged her tightly “It’s okay! When we get to Hogwarts I’ll tell professor MCgonagall about it.”

Revan: And she will say, "Twenty points from Sparklypoo!" ... unless you Pod her first, of course.

Malak: I dunno... this isn't Professor McGonagall, this is professor MCgonagall. Whoever the hell she is.

Revan: Damn, you're right.

he wiped the tears from her eyes as they changed back to gold.

Revan: She's crying over that? What a wimp.

Malak: Because you've never begun randomly crying.

Revan: 'Course not.

Malak: We were seventeen.

Revan: ...damn your pachydermal memory!

“Arigato...” Kitsune whimpered.

Malak: "You smell..."

Revan: "I want to name my cat Ari..."

-olllo-

Malak: Hello, already! Stop breaking this up to chat to us!

Revan: Breaking it up... Malak, d'you think maybe they're scene breaks?

Malak: ...could be, I suppose. But then... oh, no. I'm so embarrassed.

Revan: Aw, Malak, everyone talks to punctuation once in their life.

Malak: ...they do?

Revan: ...er...

*awkward silence*

Malak: *coughs* Shall we get on with it, then?

Revan: Yes... let's.

“Sumi masen, Hermoine-san!”

Malak: "Eat wet drink dry, Hermione Yeti!"

Revan: "May your house be built by sumo wrestlers, Podfriend!"

exclaimed Kitsune as the train continued down the track towards Hogwarts. The brown haired girl looked at her.

“Yes?”

“Ah... Watashi... ano... I can fix your hair!”

Revan: Ohhh, no. No, no, no, not this as well...

Malak: Poor, poor Hermione. I feel for her, I really do.

said Kitsune excitedly. “I fixed Ron-sama’s hair already!”

Malak: His hair was fine before!

“My hair?” asked Hermoine curiously. “But I like my hair...”

Revan: Yes! Fight it, Hermione!

Malak: You can do it! Go, girl!

“You... like?” Kitsune looked her up and down. “OK!”

Revan: *hopefully* She's going to leave it?

Kitsune pressed a finger to the other girl’s head and instantly her hair straightened out, becoming a glossy black.

Revan: NNNOOOOOOOO!

Malak (Hermione): No, you stupid Sue! No! DO NOT WANT, get it?

(AN: SOooo much better!)

Revan: No. It's not.

Malak: And for the love of the Force, stop with the Author's Notes already!

Hermoine’s eyes widened and she looked at it. “My hair!”

Revan (Hermione): What have you done to my beautiful frizzy messy hair, schutta? Put it back!

Malak (Sue): Sorry. Power only go one way. Always perfect, see. No need for retraction.

Harry smiled “Hay, that looks good on you!”

Malak: Hay. The Sue's turned Hermione's hair into black hay.

Revan: And Harry thinks it looks good.

Malak: Probably looks pretty similar to his own hair.

Revan: That's probably why.

The girl blushed. “You... think so?”

Harry nodded.

Hermoine blushed redder. Kitsune smiled brightly.

Malak (Sue): See? Always perfect, never need to retract. I go find Won-Won now, need to feed.

-olllo-

[SNIP three pointless lines that make up the whole scene.]

-olllo-

Malak: That was it?

Revan: Don't complain - we're near the end.

Malak: Excellent. I just hope they don't like this, or we might get dragged back to do it again. Why can't she use Potter characters?

Revan: Apparently they're all on holiday until Book Seven comes out.

Malak: Gaaah...

“Severus, once again I must politely decline your offer to become-”

Revan: - my pimp. I understand that you are very eager, but it simply is not feasible.

There was a knock at the door and Dumbledore lowered his glasses, “Come in. AH, Mr Weasley and, my my who is this?”

Malak: How did they know the password?

Revan: Since the Sue killed Logic, she can pretty much do as she pleases.

“Professor this is-”

Malak: - the latest Sue. She's a doozy, sir, what should I do to get her off me?

“Wai! Oji-chan!”

Revan: "Gland! See dew!"

Malak: "Pearl of Pod origins!"

Severus fell to the ground as a pink haired girl tackled him.

Revan: But not the pink-haired girl, apparently.

Malak: That's worrying - how many of them are there?

Revan: Far too many.

“Kitsune?”

Revan: I'm sticking with 'Walrus'.

Malak: "Shoulderblade?"

Dumbledore stood up in surprise “Severus do you know this girl?”

Revan: Oh please, the man's practically omniscient.

Snape looked shocked “Why yes. This is my niece”

Malak: I think my mind just exploded.

Revan: What a horrifying notion to leave it on. Oh, no, wait... there's a final author's note:

AN: Congrats for making it to the end X3

Malak: Yeah, and we bloody well deserve them, too. Now DIE.

Revan: And burn in hell, where you belong. Sabersporks?

Malak: Right here.

Revan: Right, then. On three...