Story Or Series Title: Knight Of The Ring
Fandom: Sonic The Hedgehog/Lord Of The Rings crossover.
Culprit Author's Name: kraken5.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Ryan D'Artimis.
Full Species(es): Self Insert Stu.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): None.
Annoying Origin: The Pit Of Voles.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Somehow is able to replace most of the main LOTR characters and communicate with the rest.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to warp two fandoms at once.
Other Annoying Traits: Existing, basically taking over Gandalf's role in a warped kind of way.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:




Just for a laugh, I decided to do a search to see if a Sonic/LOTR crossover really existed. I was horrified to be proven right... and here it is. It's seriously OOC, has a pointless Gary Stu just thrown in for no apparent reason, and the main characters of LOTR seem to be shoved to the side to make way for the hapless hedgehogs of Sega. It had to be sporked. XD So I dragged in two of my RP buddies to spork it with me; they are Wolfie, who you already know from previous sporks and Queenie, a newbie to sporkage.


Sega owns the original Sonic Team characters; however, these versions of said characters belong to myself, Wolfie and Queenie. We have a RP going with said interpretations. Anyway, I'm posting with Silver, Wolfie with Julie-Su and Queenie with Blaze. Any comments I make will be in bold . Anyway, on to the spork.

Right now, are we all here? If we are, then we can begin... wait a minute, where's Knuckles? I specifically asked for him to attend.

Uh, Knuckles said he couldn't do the spork, cuz he had a headache. I'm here instead.

And you believed him? *eyeroll* You really are naive. Would this headache have come on after he'd read the first paragraph of the spork? -.- Never mind, let's just get on with it.

Sonic was sitting around doing nothing, Well, that's usual. when he noticed the book entitled, Sonic and the Black Knight. I still can't believe I was only a multiplayer character in that. -.- At least you WERE a character. And I was a girl, yet still called "sir"... does that make sense to either of you? He smiled, remembering when he had used the fabled sword Caliburn to save the Arthurian world, and ended up turning out to be the real king Arthur. I'm... lost for words. O_o Out of every game, he remembers that one? "I still can't get over the sight of Knuckles bowing to me," the hero thought with a shudder. After a few minutes of this, Sonic decided to go out for a run.

OK, I've worked out why Knuckles didn't want to do this. Is it too late to back out and send someone else, like Sonic, to do this instead of me?

Can I have Amy show up? Please?

..I'll just go get Tails...

NO MORE SUBSTITUTIONS. Why? Cuz I say so. XD And Silver, Chaos Control doesn't work here, so don't even think of trying it.

Dammit. -.- Fudgepops. -.- Fiddlesticks. -.-

About half an hour later Sonic came to a valley just in time to see Shadow and Silver mock fighting. Actually, every time Shadow's fought me, it's been for real. He doesn't do mock fights. Something would be very, very wrong with him if he did. "Hey guys! What's up?" called out Sonic. They turned to him and Shadow said, "We were practicing, in case we have to fight each other again until you showed up faker." Wouldn't Shadow just throw a punch or something? Good question. Probably. And the writer forgot to place a comma before 'faker'. Sonic grinned. He knew Shadow always seemed angry at everybody on the planet, but people had learned to live with all the half-serious insults the Ultimate Life Form seemed to enjoy using all the time. "So, mind if I join ya?" asked Sonic. " Sure, why not?" said Silver. So you can get your butt kicked while I get the hell out of there.

A few minutes later the three hedgehogs were engaged in what seemed the fight of the century: Sonic looking like he was everywhere at once, He's... cloned himself? O_o Evidently he has. O_o striking whenever he saw an opening. Shame he can't really fight for crap; I mean, the first time I fought him, he had to be rescued by Amy. Don't remind me. That was awful. He's still scared of your powers to this day. Is he really? : ) Shadow was throwing punches and Chaos Spears all over the place. And Silver was tossing psychic blasts and pieces of debris at the others. I do know how to aim. Then again, I'm not so stupid as to pick a fight unnecessarily in the first place. All three had a few Chaos emeralds, totaling up to all seven. Then at one moment they all tried to use Chaos Control at the same time by mistake. The result was a time-space rift that dragged them all to another dimension. Actually, the result would be that three portals opened. Seriously. o_O Wait, really? Yikes. Yup. So the story would have to split up into individual accounts... which this idiot obviously isn't going to do.

*Snip! Cuz tho we're sporking three parts in one, it's very tedious. They wake up in Middle Earth and meet the Stu.*

"Ryan!" gasped Sonic. "What are you doing here?" And who is Ryan, anyway? Some blubbery Stu, probably. Probably an insert. "I am traveling around Middle-Earth," said Ryan. "What are you guys doing?" "We were sparing Sparing what? Wish they'd spared our minds. when we all used Chaos Control at the same time, and somehow ended up here. Wherever here is." explained Sonic. How come Sonic gets to be the spokesman? I don't see Shadow allowing that. He'd be all 'Shut the fuck up, faker'. And probably demanding to know who Ryan is. Ryan thought it over. "Sonic?" he asked, "Did you by any chance pick up anything when you landed?" "Yeah," said Sonic. "Just a gold ring." Cuz of course, he's never seen one before, has he? -.- Of COURSE not. *eyeroll* He took it out for all to see. Ryan's expression grew dark. "What's wrong?" asked Silver. "I recognize that ring. It's one of the most deadly things in this world." I'm sorry, WHAT? "How so?" asked Shadow. Ryan told them the history of the Ring, how the rings of power were made for the elves, dwarves and men.

*Snip! Snipping potted history of the One ring, obviously lifted straight from movieverse.*

Everyone was quiet for a while. Then Sonic spoke up. "So the Ring has to be destroyed, right? So why don't I do it?" Ryan looked at him gravely. "It's not as easy as it sounds Sonic. Shouldn't there be a comma there? Don't be a grammar nazi, the idiot who wrote this thing clearly doesn't comprehend any of it. Don't be mean. : ( She's probably trying to spare you from a the big headache you'd get if you bothered to comment on all the grammatical errors. The Ring can only be destroyed at the heart of Mount Doom. It's a volcano at the heart of Sauron's lands, which consists of a desert of ash and poison. I'm sooo scared. *eyeroll* I used to live in a place like that. Insert scary 'WooooOOOooooo' music. *sarcasm* Weren't those the good ol' days, Silv? Yeah. I don't see this Dark Lord as being any worse than Iblis, personally. And it's considered about 1,200 types of impossible to get into Mordor in the first place. Sonic could get there in twenty minutes, throw it in and leave. Job done. Really; no monster could even think fast enough to stop him. Even if, (and that's one big if) you get there, the Ring has a mind of its own, and takes a hold of it's Apostraphe abuse. Poor, abused apostraphe. I think it needs a hug. bearer, twisting them to its will. So by the time you get there, you may not have the strength to destroy it." Sonic was resolute in his decision. "I'm still going to do it. No matter what it takes." Really, he's not even THAT heroic. I still want to know who the hell this Ryan fellow is. I don't think the author even explained who he was in the beginning. O_o That's because he's obviously an insert...

*Snip! For inanity.*

"If your sanity is that precious, you should run as fast as you can now in the other direction. I'm about going batshit with the abuse of the apostrophes. going to do this, I might as well help you as best I can. I cannot go with you, Bit unusual for a Stu. He'll show up randomly later. but I can give you a map and supplies and whatever else you might need. Then I'll send the others back to your world." "What do you mean 'send us back?' " said Shadow grinning. O_O What the hell? Shadow never grins. Never. Imagine if he were here... Doesn't bear thinking about. o_O "We're not going anywhere unless to help Sonic." confirmed Silver. I'm not that wet... am I? You're not THAT bad. You're usually pretty brave... this person just can't keep in character. "Admit it Faker, you need us," smirked the Ultimate Life Form. "So get used to it." "Okay, okay!" laughed Ryan. "Looks like you guys are off on another adventure!" DIIIIEEEE!!! Ugh.

The three hedgehogs ran east as fast as was sensible, which was still very fast. Actually, I don't run that fast. I can fly, anyway so I don't need to. I think I'd jump. Maybe. I'd ask Silver to make me fly, too. XD And I would, of course. : ) They crossed over land in hours what would normally take days to transverse. Four days later, they camped for the night in sight of the Misty Mountains. "So," asked Silver. "Where do we go now?" I'm not an idiot. I wouldn't ask that, seeing as I'd know we had a map. Whose idea was it to give Sonic the map in the first place? He'd probably lose it. Good point. Sonic was looking at the map, and said: "It looks like the best way is through Moria, more chance of staying out of sight." Shadow wouldn't take orders from Sonic. EVER. So they went toward Moria's gates. Luckily, Ryan's map had given them the opening word for the gate (mellon). Huh? I love melons, they're quite... oh, wait. Wrong mellon. Following the map and keeping quiet as they could, they made it most of the way through without being detected. By sheer bad luck, however (Insert comma) they ran into a patrol of orcs a few miles outside the ruins of the dwarf city. They took them down, but not before one sounded the alarm. That would be when we Chaos Controlled the hell out of there, actually. Did you have an Emerald in this? I'm assuming you did, considering the beginning of this crapfest. *more sarcasm* Naw, why Chaos Control away when you can do things the hard way?

*Last snip; for sheer OOC-ness that beggars belief.*

Using the Chaos Emeralds to fuel their strength, (I know they're always scattered but I'm just saying they didn't this time) And who are you to decide this? Blame the Suethor. Makes me feel ashamed to be called Julie-SU. So change your name; I already call you Julie, anyway. they would have probably broken through to the bridge of caza-dume The bridge of what? I'm assuming that's a type of stone. Or it's a name. That was a VERY awkward sentence... and the gate, when all of a sudden a massive roar rang out and all the orcs ran away as fast as they could. Guess they had a cake in the oven. A chocolate cake? It was the Balrog Ryan had warned them about. How would he know about it? *ominous voice* The Stu knows all. I seriously don't remember that guy warning them about it at all. Oh, well; it's not like I want to look back and check. *shudders* The three hedgehogs wasted no time in getting to the bridge to make a final stand. "All right ugly! Let's do this!" said a cocky Sonic.

With the support of the others, he ran at the Balrog, striking it with his sword, Shadow followed it up with a Chaos Lance, and Silver brought most of the ceiling down. With a roar of agony the Balrog fell back, then with a psychic shove from Silver, tumbled down into the abyss beneath the bridge. My power isn't, you know, infinate. I'd nearly kill myself pushing a thing that size off a bridge. O_o And wouldn't Shadow like the last blow? Yeah; he'd probably smack me upside the head for stealing the final blow like that.

"Good going everybody!" said Sonic once they were out. "Especially you (,) Silver! That was quick thinking, pushing the Balrog over the edge." "Thanks," said Silver. "I wouldn't celebrate too soon," warned Shadow. "Those orcs will chase after us if we don't get going." So they ran off towards their next adventure in their quest to destroy the Ring.

And it's finally over.

I am NEVER doing that again.

Seconded. -.- That was painful. I actually have a headache, now. : (

I'm going to go get some catnip and try to forget this ever happened.